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I need to get something off my chest.

I received information (not something I was trying t track down, but something that came up in conversation) that I had been lied to.  Not that lying to me is that big a deal, in itself. That the lies come from somebody that was:

A: Involved with me
B: Preaching at me about Openness and Honesty
C: Had nearly 30 years of history with me
D: at one point, held the decision making ability in my Advance Directive.

Yes, this person literally had the power to make life or death decisions about me, but could not be honest with me.
The source of the information has no motivation to have lied to me, yet I find it hard to believe I could have been so deceived. Although in actuality, what I got was a confirmation of something I had suspected, but could never prove.

I had other suspicions, when said person started playing things really close to the vest, and asked about them.  All were firmly denied. In light of what I recently learned, I feel that the protests were far too strong. My confidence in everything from that person is shaken.

I've been sitting on this mulling it over.  It hurts. But she's not an active part of my world any more. She may read this, she may not.  I'm not naming names, but there are enough clues that she can recognize herself. Some others may recognize her also. But I'm not going to ask her if it's true.  It really doesn't matter anymore.

I guess all I wanted to do was vent a bit. Normally I would screen comments, but I'm not going to.
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Yesterday morning, I got my first tattoo. it wasn't anywhere near as painful as I expected, and today it feels great. The original design called for the dragons eyes to be empty, but we decided that a touch of red would spark it up. I'm happy about how it came out. I've considered one for a long time, but really didn't know what was that permanently part of me. I finally decided.  

It's on my shoulder, so that I don't break company policy by having a visible tattoo.

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Simpler days

Watching Adam-12 at work on netflix.

Simpler days...A six shooter, a couple pouches of spare ammo, and cuffs.  Minimal radio and computers.  No daily wear body armor.

Much simpler...People knew the cop on the beat...he was a friend. The uniforms then commanded some respect, some deptarments now wear shorts, or jeans with a uniform top. Their belts are so loaded with accessories that I'm not sure if it's progress or not.

I guess this is what we call progress...

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I've been sick the past week...nothing too serious, just a nasty cold, but that can sure make you miserable. First time I've called out sick in years.

But that's not why I'm posting.  Sometimes when I try to sleep, my mind is racing, and won't let me settle.  My thoughs are random, and Dreams are not rememberable, but I know that I have had odd ones.


If I sleep with my hand in contact with the wall, it almost seems to ground me...the racing stops, the randomness stops, and I settle into sleep within minutes.

Odd Dream that I did remember...Drove by the hostess plant in Biddeford, and saw the cooling fans for all the oven systems going full tilt...Could Twinkies be coming back?
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As I've decided to close certain chapters in my life, others have become open. Opportunities appear in directions I had never considered,  Feelings grow in directions unintended, and the future as always holds unknowns. But progress in my life...


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Oct. 30th, 2012

I have a headahce.  Keli is due at work in a couple hours, Princess is spending today and tonight with us, hopefully a return to school tomorrow.

After all the preparations made in the area, the shopping, running around...we ended up with a few tree limbs across roads, and a good wind/rain storm.  I know others had it worse, but it was fine here. The years of windy winters and ice storms have kept the trees clear of most things that could fall and damage stuff. The sun is out, and winds are calm.

I wish the winds were calm for me. Emotionally I am still a wreck. I've considered going back to my Dr and getting my meds renewed. Still hoping to aboid that path...

Things have to change...I can't stand some of the stresses I am under at work or in my personal life.
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Crash and burn

Something went wrong.  I was becoming involved with a couple and things seemed to be going ok except for some timing issues.

Yesterday (my yesterday, which means Monday, I don't flip my personal date till I sleep) I had been chatting with her, and found that we both were headed to walmart about the same time. So, not quite accidentally, we ran into each other and hung out a bit while I waited for the local bookstore to open. We chatted a bit, I got my envelope and shotgun shells, and headed on my way.

Keli doesn't want details of what's going on in my life, but she wants to be informed if there is somebody.  So I hadn't bothered to tell her about the meeting.  I posted on Facebook several accomplishments for the day, and the comment was added "and saw me" to which Keli posted "That's a new one on me, Hmmm"

It's been nothing but drama since. Messages have been flying on FB, text messages...ARRRRGH

I knew there were differences in how we did things, but didn't think that that much friction would develop. At this point, I'm just hoping to tone it down to where Keli is not wanting to delete her Facebook account, and nobody ends up hurt.

It's really a shame, because the couple was a step in a new direction for me, potentially my first real boyfriend, So this crash and burn is a real letdown.

Keli and I need to work more on things, There is no way this should have blown up like that,  
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Changes in me.

For years, through lots of adversity, I have been considered an emotional rock.  Somebody that could be leaned on, maybe not for the best emotional support, but for what men tend to try to do best, fix things.

I've always been a cuddly person, but more of a holder, then a holdee.  Now I seem to want a strong person to hold me.  I'm no longer the emotional rock, but instead an emotional wreck. Each day, the Bi side of me screams louder to be let out, because the strong arms I envision around me, are male.  I'm longing for that touch and connection. I don't know why at this point it's doing this. I have thoughts on it, but nothing concrete.

I'm going to try to post more often...but I seem to have been sucked into the facebook trap. But I really don't feel like I can bare my soul there, like I can here.

Anyway, thanks for listening...
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I guess this one is long overdue. As has been previously posted, I got divorced late last year. I was in contact with a former partner who has been with me on and off for about 10-11 years. (We first started seeing each other in Aug, '01. She was in GA at the time, and I decided it was time for her to come home. One bus ticket later, she's on the way, and shortly after she arrived I proposed.  Originally planned a wedding date in December, but as we looked at things, such as the fact that neither of us had enough friends to fill a Pew or two (not that either of us would set foot in a church with pews...) we said to heck with it, and took out a Marriage License and just did it. The bride was given away by my ex-wife, with my daughter in attendance full of joy and glee. That was April 6th.  We are now living a happy, but fairly secluded life. 

I can't really say much more...some things are not mine to say. Just know I am out here, and all is well in my world.


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Time marches on

Happy 4th of July...
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